Computer...

Star Trek 4 -  Scotty not understanding the technology of the time frame they were in ends up talking to the mouse.  "Computer..."

With my new phone I've had many, way too many "Computer..." moments.

My brother called.  It went to voice mail.  Somehow magical, magical, I was able to call him back.  His phone died while we were chatting.  He called me back and sad to say I didn't know how to pick up the call.

Over the weekend I told my kids I didn't know how to do this and they thought it was because the screen was locked and showed me how to unlock the screen.  Well, here I had an incoming call and unlocking the screen was NOT working.  I slid up the panel to unlock it and started saying "Hello?" Both Nan and Jamie were in stitches over my antics.  Eventually Jamie said, "Do you not have a send button?"

What the hell is a send button? 

Well, I had one and it worked.  I now know how to answer my phone.

But it doesn't stop there. Because my brother had left a message, the phone kept being 'musical'. I thought I was getting a text, but there was no text.  Nan kept beseeching me to SHUT IT UP.  I didn't know how.

I FINALLY ascertained that it was a voice mail.  But couldn't access the freaking voice mail because I couldn't enter my PIN.  JEBUS!!!!!

My daughter called me and I told her, "My phone won't stop talking to me."
She says, "What is it saying?"
I can see her thinking, "No mother, those are just the voices in your head."
She must have been thinking it too because when I explained that I meant it was the musical reminder that I should do something, she seemed relieved.

I did eventually get it figured out.  My daughter said, "I'm surprised that you didn't throw it out the window."
I said, "If I had known how to get the sim card out it would be gone."

Having said all this.  I do love my new phone, though I apparently still send illegible texts.  Damn!!

Story Wonk

Story Wonk Daily is a podcast created by Lani Diane Rich and Alastair Stephens. Every weekday morning they offer advice for writers in a "bite-sized podcast".  Some bites are bigger than others, but they are always interesting and informative.

I love the wonk. I'm wonky about the wonk. If you'd like to be wonky too here is the link: Story Wonk Daily

Brontomerus

I'm fond of saying, "Guess you were a pick something in another life.

My dog Chester was a Sock Gnome.  You know the ones that live in your dryer and remove one sock.  Not the pair.  Just one.  That was my dog.  He was other things too. A kleptomaniac with a conscience, some freaky dude with a foot fetish and I suspect he was a cat once upon a time.  He's brought a lot of little quirks with him into his present life.

But this is not about Chester. This is about me.

I decided that I was probably a carnivore. 

My reasoning?  I crave breads, but my body hates them.

After eating asparagus, I can smell it - if you know what I mean.  I always figured that was how the carnivores tracked the sweet little herbivores.  Hey, I'm okay with being a T-Rex or some other tooth gnashing creature. 

This morning I saw an article about Brontomerus - aka Thunder Thighs. 
Well, by golly, there you have it.  That's what I had to have been long, long, ago. 

Looks like I was having a bad day with the children. 

 "Don't make me kick your butt!"

Yep, kind of like that. ;)

New Fat Pants

We've all heard of skinny jeans, some of us can even wear them and look good.  I will never wear skinny jeans, and I'm okay with that. What I do have are fat pants.  Pants you wear when you just want to be comfortable.  Pants that are generally worn on a Monday after a weekend of gluttony. The pants that you wear when the thought of squeezing into other pants is just out of the question.

The other day Nan said, "Are those your fat pants?"
They weren't my fat pants and yet, they were. They were comfortable and loose and they had just been washed. 

I had new fat pants.

What a joyous occasion.  I think I will give my old fat pants to good will. One pair of fat pants is sufficient and I have found over the years if I keep larger sizes around, I grow into them.

Crazy ABC's

I saw this on a blog page I follow.  I just had to share.

I saw what?

As the temperatures soared to a balmy 45 degrees I heard the sounds of my first ice cream truck. Yep. Music Box Dancer filled the air of the subdivision enticing people to come out and cool off with a delicious frozen treat.  This made me think of the post a few weeks back when Jeff Foxworthy commented on Utah.

Okay, so the picture is off the Web, some dad really didn't have his family out there barefoot.  Shorts yes, barefoot no. ;)

The Making of "The Force" Commercial

Okay, if we didn't love young Darth before...

Fry Sauce

You can go into any restaurant in Utah and order fry sauce and they will know exactly what you are talking about. Go on vacation to another state and be prepared for quizzical looks. Believe me, adding mayonnaise and ketchup is not the same, but will do in a pinch.

I bring this up because I believe that fry sauce, not green jello, should be the state food.

No. No. No. No. No! This is just wrong.

Our state food is GREEN JELLO?? I thought that was a joke.
 Dear gods nooooooooooooooo.

You know you write fantasy when...

Every morning while you are doing Gold's Gym Shape Boxing with your daughter and the little mini Wii says, Guard! Keep moving,  you envision guards in a castle.

Yep. Every morning. You'd think that my brain would make the transition to real life, but it never does.

Letters

This came via e-mail and I thought it was pretty funny.
Favorites:  Mayan Calender, Palin, and the spider.

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because

some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely, The Mayans

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely, Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely, United States

Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerely, Parents Everywhere

Dear Anne Frank,

Two can play this game....

Sincerely, Waldo

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely, Alcohol

 

Dear Haiti,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell

 

 

Dear Twi-hards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours

Sincerely, Gay Men Of America

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You

piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User

 

Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I

was here first.

Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,

Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you

go?

Sincerely, Terrified