Patient Watcher

My feelings are hurt, and it is all so stupid really. I had an ah ha moment when I was catching up on my blog rounds and reading two of Julie’s blogs back to back really threw light on what was happening for me.

• “I may not have the power to change the world, but I have the power to change my perception of it.”
• When something finishes its run, we just need to let it go. There is no point in fighting it, it’s over. Release.

Cybil and I had another ‘run in’, you might call it. I expected thoughtfulness out of her and instead I was called horrible names at the top of her lungs. Yep, this was a t work. She stormed into the boss’s office and had her melt down. I was then called in tried to explain my side of the insanity that had just happened. I used to know when Cybil was gonna go off the deep end. There are signs, but this was a total blind-side for me…life just blew up in my face and it was totally shocking.

Last November when I saw Cybil for the truly horrible person she is, I vowed to never bring her back from the edge. She goes through these times where she just freaks out and in the past I’ve always made life better. In November I did what I do… I believe they call it enabling… at the time I considered it self-preservation.

After I’d saved her from herself and because someone in the office had to keep stirring the pot I came to realize that while I thought all was right with the world Cybil, was talking behind my back, saying horrible things and suddenly I was the bad guy. I worked through that process and had a few ah ha moments that were good so it wasn’t all for naught. The biggest thing to come out of it was the fact that all along I had believed Cybil’s façade. That of a caring, wonderful person and in reality that’s not what she is at all, scratch that plump grandmotherly looking exterior and you’ll find a rotting soul beneath.

But I wanted the old Cybil back. I was a patient watcher (yep, just like the cats at the door) and I kept waiting for a sign that she’d return, things could go back to the way they were. At one time we were actually friends.

This week when Cybil popped off again, I stood up to her and didn’t pat her head and try to make life better. Yes, this standing up to her involved me shouting back at her. I was angry at her thoughtlessness and pissed that she was calling me names.

Yesterday my ah ha moment came when it dawned on me that I was patiently waiting for Cybil to go back to being the person I had perceived her to be. That’s not who she is at all. She can’t go back to being something she never was. My bad. That hurt my feelings. Not only for being stupid and believing in her façade all those years, but also for having my eyes opened months ago and still I wanted that which did not exist.

So when something has run its course, let it go. What did I learn from all this? In all honesty I’m not really sure. I know I tend to measure everyone by my yard stick. I say what I think; my social filter has large gaps in it. But you know where you stand with me. It may be simple minded but I kind of like the world I live in, the world where I accept people at face value.

I’m sure there will be other Cybil’s in my life. Perhaps next time I will be quicker to see that the wonderful person façade is hiding a hideous monster and I won’t waste years of my life. I don’t know, but when I find out you know I will share.